I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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