Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
