My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
