I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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