If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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