I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
