ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
