o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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