i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
