Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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