Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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