I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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