I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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