I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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