I'm lost and stupid without you.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
