Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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