I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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