My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
