She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
