Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i drank out of a bidet.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
