dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
