I hate your face
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
