I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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