yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
