The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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