You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
