You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
