She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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