i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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