You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
