look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
