So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
