there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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