you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm like, not good at living.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
