one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
