how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
