I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
