i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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