Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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