respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She told me I should be a condom model.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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