I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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