someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
