I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
