Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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