My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
