My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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