So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
