I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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