i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
