I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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