I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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