i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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