Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
