I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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