So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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