Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
